Tensions With My Teen Are High.
This past week families have been dealing with eight weeks at home, teens fatiguing on distance learning and ready to start seeing friends again. With orders in many states transitioning from Stay at Home to Safer at Home- this seems to be the green light that people where waiting for to get out. But with public health officials warning that we should still be wearing masks and social distancing, parents don't know what to do when their teens are arguing that they just want to get out for a few hours. In this week's notes, I will share with you what I have shared with other families this past week in sessions and in an article for The New York Times, When Your Tween Acts Up on Lockdown.
They Want To Go Out and I Don't Know What To Do
Kids are tired of being inside the house. There is nothing new to talk about with friends on FaceTime. They spend endless hours online. This has become a day in the life of a teenager today in the midst of a pandemic.
Parents are torn. They want their kids to be outside, having fun with friends and off screens but they don't know if it's safe. There are getting conflicting messages and getting worn down by the battles.
These past two weeks I have gathered a few recommendations that I think have been helpful for families navigating these trying times. I hope you will find some of these tips helpful in your family.
Setting Limits and Boundaries With a Teen That Wants Out:
1. Under crisis, people tend to follow what they are told to do when three conditions are met:
a) they know what to do (social distance)
b) they know why they are doing it (to save lives and stay healthy)
c) they see it being modeled by others around them (this is where it gets tricky but at least parents are doing it)
2. Respond to your child's requests with empathy and compassion. Saying something like, "I am so sorry this is happening. I know you really miss your friends and you want to be with them. I understand, I would also like to get out and see friends too. When it is safe to do so, I promise you will be allowed."
3. Place responsibility on yourself- if your kid wants a friend to come over to your house you can say no by adding that you would feel terrible if someone in your family was asymptomatic and got them sick.
4. Educate yourself and your family- pick a medical source that you feel comfortable following and lean on them for guidance. Whether that is an expert on national public radio, cable news, Dr. Fauci, a family doctor, a certain newspaper- pick a source and discuss what their guidance is as a family. You will likely hear them reinforcing the message that the one thing you can control right now is yourself and your actions. This may help so you aren't the (only) bad guy in the eyes of a teen.
5. Repeat messages and conversations- when under stress, the human mind is highly challenged to read nuance, juggle multiple (and sometimes conflicting) messages. So, it is key that you keep the conversations happening daily and make your point as simple as possible.
6. Validate that you understand getting out with friends is good for their mental health- I have heard this one a lot and it's true. Connecting with people in person is good for our mental health but right now is a risk for our physical health. So, if you are comfortable and it's possible allow for limited and restricted socially distant contact. Even just sitting outside 6 feet apart talking with masks on in person can boost people's moods.
Right now, those of us in the mental health space are trying to lean on lessons from prior crises and doing our best to apply what we know about human behavior to our current circumstance. I know that most kids of a variety of ages are wanting to get out, play and spend time with friends and parents are torn about what to do. Just use your best judgment based on what we know. Don't just follow the crowd if you are uncomfortable with what they are doing but feel pressured. The decisions each of us make have a collective impact on our communities and your kids need to see you in a position of leadership in your family.
Happy Parenting, be well.