My child is acting like a toddler.
Each week since the Coronvirus social distancing and shelter at home orders there have been new behaviors that children have been showing. In the past two weeks, I have been treating a good deal of regression. I will define what that means below and whether or not you should be concerned and potentially seek out support.
What can I do to help my child?
Sucking thumbs. Drinking out of baby bottles. Sleeping in bed with parents. Having meltdowns. Crawling around the floor. Using a pacifier again. Talking in a baby voice.
These are just some of the symptoms of regression that children are showing. Regression is defined as a return to a former or less developed state of being. It is common that when we stress we regress. This is generally considered an unconscious, protective defense mechanism for dealing with stressful events. I would say a pandemic is a pretty stressful event that has caused children, teens and adults alike to revert to former behaviors.
Adults may have started smoking again, drinking more alcohol, or started eating foods that they haven't eaten in years. Adolescents may be chewing on pen caps, sleeping with childhood teddy bears or asking for help with things that they formally knew how to do. And no age group is immune to a good old meltdown. A kicking, screaming, all out crying fit about just about anything. We are collectively stressed and this is what it looks like in many families. By and large, this is a normal and common response to stress. In many cases, it is your child's attempt to feel safe again or go back to a time when they were soothed and made to feel like everything was alright.
Okay, now that you know what it is, how it shows up and that it is normal, you may want to know what to do. These suggestions are rooted in attachment theory, psychoanalysis and child development. I have been working with regression for most of my career so I am very comfortable and familiar with this topic. However, when I first introduce what to do to parents they are sometimes hesitant or worry that their child will stay in a regressed state. That is not typically the case.
Children need to be met where they are at. Once you do that, they can move forward in their social and emotional development. I will explain what I mean through the following ideas:
1. Securely Attach - this means that you should drop the academic demands for the time being and focus on emotional safety. This looks like rocking them, holding them, staring into their eyes, rubbing their head or back, singing songs. Yes, all things they you did with them when they were babies or toddlers. Read and interpret your child's actions and respond as you would when they were that age. You may see an instant positive response. Sometimes within minutes their muscles relax, they start speaking more like their age, they may laugh or smile. Stay with it- you may have to do this for several days or weeks but once they finally feel safe you likely won't see that level of regression again.
2. Routine and Consistency - a change in school, daycare and social routines is enough to cause a child to feel that their world is unstable and scary. They are looking to parents to be their steady so anything that you can do to provide a new consistent routine will be very helpful. If everyday looks different that will add to their fear. Focus on the things that you can control and implement some structure to their days. Combining your loving connection with predictability into their days are some of the best things you can do to establish security into their worlds.
3. Watch Your Tone and Words - for example, if your child is showing regression with potty training or any other area, practice replying to them by saying, "I know you are having a hard time with this right now. I am here to help you. I love you. It's going to be alright." Resist the temptation to scold them or show frustration in your tone. That just adds to their fear and doesn't help the matter.
4. Play - it is typically very challenging for parents to be playful with their children in the way that their need. However, this would be a great time to try to get outside and play in nature, or get messy, make up characters, dress up and be really silly. For older kids, play board games, cards, watch them do things, play their video games and watch their shows with them. These are some of the social and emotional interactions that they are missing with their peers that they really need.
5. Put Your Oxygen Mask On First - in order to be the best parent you can be you have to take care of yourself. Running on empty will not produce the results that you want. Without taking care of yourself you won't have the patience, creativity, empathy and stamina to keep up with the many demands that are placed upon you as a parent. So, every day refill that tank. Go on walks, exercise, get fresh air and sunlight, listen to music, take a bath, eat well, and connect with others even if you only can virtually. Ask for help when you need it and be easy on yourself so that you can be easy on others too.
Happy Parenting!