Kindness Counts
Last week I was being interviewed by the great Eve Rodsky on pandemic parenting. Toward the end of our conversation Eve asked, "To you, what is the opposite of fear?" I thought about it for a second and then just said what came to mind which was "taking action." When we are in fear, it is easy to get frozen. Right now it is fair to say that our country is in a mental health crisis stricken with fear, anxiety and depression. What I am finding is that when we are living in such a state of fear and uncertainty, it is difficult to do much than survive. However, our kids are still developing and they still need us to cultivate qualities such as empathy, kindness and community. So, today I am glad you are taking a few minutes to slow down and think about how to be sure that you are intentionally raising kind children. If you want more, I highly recommend listening to my latest podcast on Raising Sustainable Families Who Are Kind with Shannon Brescher Shea.
How can I avoid spoiling my kids?
Over six years ago I wrote my very first blog. I started with an article titled, 10 Tips For Raising Perfect, Unspoiled, Angel Kids. Catchy title, huh? Well, it is still to date my most shared article and so today I am inspired to write a follow up to that one. I will provide 10 more tips for raising kind, grateful and unspoiled children.
1. Set limits and stick to them- it's incredibly important that you don't inadvertently reinforce whining, tantrums or pushing of boundaries by giving in. Be clear on what your rules or limits are and when your children naturally push those limits be sure you consistently hold those limits.
2. Practice empathy on a daily basis- you can do this by listening to your child when they talk and in turn having them listen to others when they talk. You can engage in kind acts of service to others together and as parents you can pose the question, "how would you feel if that happened to you?" Regularly having them put themselves in someone else's shoes is a key way to teach empathy.
3. Resist materialism- it can be very easy at young ages for children to be easily coerced into finding comfort or self worth through things such as toys, clothes and status symbols. One way that parents can help with this is to value people and experiences over things and to consistently express gratitude for family, love and community.
4. Grow, raise or nurture something or someone- this can be done through taking care of a family pet, tending to a baby doll, planting a garden, or growing some flowers or vegetables. Parents can model taking care of others in need which also shows your child kindness, sacrifice and the joy that we get from doing something for someone or something other than ourselves.
5. Delay gratification- one of the things that we know very well in psychology is that delaying gratification for kids has a long lasting positive effect on personality development in terms of impulse control and decision making. So, simply put- make your kids wait sometimes! Don't give them what they want when they want it every time.
6. Share- anyone who has ever raised a toddler knows that sharing is very hard in the pre-school years. However, if during this stage a child is not consistently taught to share toys, snacks or even time this can become a longer lasting issue. So, no matter the age of your child, teaching them the importance and value of sharing is important in their development of friendships, collaboration, and teamwork.
7. Value siblings and family- so often I meet with children who fight and argue with their siblings and who may take them for granted. Sometimes in families it becomes acceptable to value friends over brothers and sisters and in doing so a lot of unkind things can be said and done. As parents you can help your child with gratitude by insisting that they treat their siblings with love, care and concern.
8. Create a family mission statement- most families could really benefit from taking the time to set a meeting, create a list of values, narrow them down, write up a declarative statement and live by those values. They can be a center point for when decisions get difficult to default back to core values. If things like gratitude, kindness, or generosity make the statement than it's sure to be top of mind for each family member as you move through life.
9. Be aware of marketing and ads your child is exposed to- with iPads being much more popular than tv these days, it can be hard to always watch or hear what ads or videos your child may be exposed to. Parents may have a false sense of security by having their children watch streaming services or YouTube kids. So, look over their shoulders, watch some of the content they are watching and talk to them about ads for toys or other material goods. Kids as young as 5 years old can understand these concepts and may need reminders as they grow older.
10. Have your child be a household contributor- parenting and child development experts tend to hold differing views on the notion of "chores." If you like the idea of paying your child for doing things around the house than great- pay them and be consistent on your expectations and consequences if not done. Otherwise, teach your child that everyone needs to help out around the house for it to function and that as a result they will get the things they need and sometimes just want. As kids get older they tend to get more motivated by money and want that opportunity to earn it which I believe should be for above and beyond tasks. Ultimately, I think a balance of earning money and being expected to help out helps to create a more responsible and grateful child.
There you have it, I would love to hear from you on how you cultivate kindness in your family and how you are raising grateful children! Happy Parenting!