About three years ago I got introduced to the concept of digital citizenship and since then I have been a fan and consumer of all the information that is available on how and when to teach kids about being responsible online. So, it came as a surprise to me when I was interviewing someone for my podcast that I had introduced the ideas to my children but had not actually drawn up a clear contract and boundaries. That led me to believe that if I can overlook this others parents likely overlook it too. I am hopeful that this article will help you start thinking about how to help your children balance their lives in a digital world.
I feel powerless over technology, where do I even begin?
Last week I got a call from a parent asking for help with his teen and his use of technology. His son had been involved in a group chat in which he wrote cruel, hurtful and offensive things about another classmate. There were about 15 kids on this group chat and the parents were stunned at the language and the content they read. On top of that, they were truly surprised by not only their son's involvement but that of some of the others kids too. "Even the nice ones were involved..." said the dad perplexed.
I have been through this with many families. Boys and girls, private and public schools, suburban and urban, wealthy and middle class- it doesn't matter- they all seem to find themselves in similar situations. Parents have many questions about this from how to stop it, to how provide consequences, to deciding whether to tell the other parents. Some parents stumble upon it and don't know whether to tell their child that they read their text messages and others confront their kids right away.
This is relatively new to parents, so I will share my best practice guidelines on how to prevent major social media mishaps and handle some common situations. Since group chats are a very common way kids communicate these days these notes will feature my thoughts on how to talk to kids about the function and pitfalls of group texts.
Let's get back to the teen boy who made a poor and impulsive poor judgment call. He was in a group chat with his friends when someone started talking about another kid that they used to be friends with but is now out of the group. The first thing I told the dad I was talking to was that group texts are the new cafeteria table. Kids either have a seat at the table or they will be talked about and excluded. It's where the plans are made, the gossip is spread and mostly nothing good comes of it. It indicates status and let's you know where you fit in the social hierarchy. Belonging to certain group chats creates a sense of belonging, acceptance and friendship that kids eventually have a hard time managing due to the digital nature of connection versus actual connection in person.
TIP - Teach your kids that if it isn't something that they would say to someone's face then they shouldn't say anything at all. Period. And let them know that you will be checking their phone daily (and then really do it).
Next, a pitfall of group chats are that the notifications and activity tends to go on multiple hours a day everyday. People are sharing their opinions about sports, teachers, parties, people and more. They also sometimes use it to share pictures of them (or someone else) often doing high risk things. The dings, bells and notifications can be highly distracting for your child while they are trying to do pretty much anything else, including homework.
TIP - have your child turn off notifications anytime they are doing something that they shouldn't be distracted from like school work or family time.
Another issue that gets to be a challenge is that group chats demand interaction and comments. In order to stay in one, usually a teen has to be active in commenting. Kids start to lose their ability to communicate the way they intend and they start to think they are having actual conversations when in reality they are missing essential communication cues such as nuance, tone, body language, volume and sometimes humor.
TIP - teach your child that writing in a group chat is like a bunch of people shouting over each other at a loud game. Deep and meaningful conversations are a lot less likely to happen in this context. So, if they want to comment they should imagine being at a loud basketball game and trying to talk to their friend. In those cases you are only making brief, light comments and not expecting much in return.
In the case of this teen, the types of things that he and the other kids were writing could be grounds for expulsion from school as they were demeaning and threatening harm to another student. When his dad talked to him about that he got very scared. At first he said his dad was over-reacting but then when they reviewed the student handbook he realized that his parents were right.
TIP - make sure you have a clear contract with your child that states limitations to privacy on the phone, includes time limits, rules and guidelines for safe online behaviors. It also needs to provide consequences to the contract being broken. This is a contract that you and your child can create together. I typically advise that the contract be written up and signed by parents and child and that it gets reviewed and revised as needed, usually every six months.
Last, kids need an out. Tell your kids that they can let people know that their parents check their phone regularly. As hard as it is kids need to learn how to be leaders and be kind even in the face of being excluded. I have had these conversations with many teens and the ones who are clear with their boundaries and their values navigate the online world much better than those kids who are just looking to follow.
TIP - kids can show leadership skills and character in group texts by changing the topic, by asking to hang out in person, or by using emojis to better express the mood of how they feel or what they are trying to communicate.
Digital wellness is about balance in a technology focused world. Kids need to learn how to say no, how to set boundaries and how to communicate differently once technology is introduced. Digital dependency and addiction are real. Think of teaching them digital citizenship the same way to you teach them about sex and drugs- it can be uncomfortable but it's something you have to do.
Happy Parenting!