Are the kids going to be okay?
Simply put, I get asked this question a lot and the answer is..."it depends." Factors that affect a child's resiliency to come out of this pandemic doing okay include their mental health before the pandemic, their social connection, access to regulated adults, amount of time they exercise and get outdoors, the quality of screen time they engage in, their access and consumption of healthy food and their perceived sense of control. Read on for resiliency building and stress reduction tips that I have been using in my practice with kids and families that they have found effective.
I am worried about my whole family.
Stress. Worry. Anxiety. Depression. Isolation. Unrest. Fear. Uncertainty.
These are the words I hear on a daily basis from the families that I work with to describe how they are feeling. With no sure end in sight, it has dawned on me that we need to adapt to this new normal. I do believe that we can adapt and that our children can thrive. I actually think that the younger children in this generation may finally have that grit and resilience that we have been trying to instill having endured a pandemic and civil unrest of historic proportions.
I am not going to sugar coat this, we are in hard times. Parents and kids alike are separated from loved ones, some people have had no break for months, alcohol use has increased, people are on screens all day, weight gain is being reported, this is a presidential election year, school teachers are all of a sudden front line workers- the list goes on and on.
However, we can and must endure. We need to shift our mindsets from surviving to thriving. The ideas below are curated from my most recent podcast interview with Mike Taigman, an emergency services leader with over 40 years experience, as well as research on resilience, stress and trauma.
Family tips for cultivating resilience and managing stress:
1. Allow yourself to feel fear- denial in this case means you might be refusing to accept that you feel out of control or are scared or that help may be needed. This risk in being in denial is that you may be sending messages to your kids that even though things don't feel safe or steady, we should ignore our feelings. This can lead to bottled up feelings exploding, not trusting one's gut, or having poor communication of thoughts and feelings.
2. Take care of your basic needs- sounds simple and basic but hard to do at times. When under stress, we tend to not eat well, sleep well, exercise enough, stay hydrated, or even take care of our hygiene. I have had parents talk about their teens who haven't showered for days. These routines are important for many reasons, one particular reason is that when we engage in usual daily rituals it sends a signal to our brain that things are okay, that they are they should be. When we don't take care of ourselves, stress hormones get pumped into our bodies as the brain is detecting danger.
3. Mental Rehearsal- we all know that we are in a time a stress so that's no surprise. In order to practice the new stressors that may arise such as the first day of school, going back to the office, meeting another family for dinner, or a first play date, you want to mentally prepare. You and your kids can do this by imagining the stressful situation, visioning what you would like to say and do from start to finish, imagine all aspects of the stressful scenario such as what it will look like, smell like, sound like and then imagine it ending well. This also gives people that sense of control that we are all longing for.
4. Focus on Solutions- right now there seem to be more problems than solutions. However, it is important to focus on what you can control. For example, if your child is upset that they have to do remote learning and cannot go back to school you want to respond to them with empathy and then ask them what they miss most about school and then come up with creative solutions to meet some of what they miss. If they say they miss their friends, arrange for a play date or a hang outs virtually or in-person after school and on weekends.
5. Encourage a growth mindset- a fixed mindset says, "this sucks, this will never end, things will never be the same..." a growth mindset says, "this won't last forever, I will appreciate school and teachers more when we return, maybe some of the changes that are happening are actually good..." IT's more than just being positive, it's about seeing the opportunity in the challenge. This is a choice, if it doesn't come easily to you or your kid, think of it like a muscle that needs to be exercised often to grow.
5. Modelling- whether we realize it or not, what we say and do is absorbed by our kids. So, self-care, positivity and focus instead of multi-tasking are things that you want to model for them in times of stress. If you can show them that you are still taking care of yourself they are more likely to do the same.
By just carving out a few minutes of quiet time a day you can tap into your own resilience and creativity.
Be playful, be present and make time for yourself and those you love.
Laughter triggers endorphins which help with the stress hormones in your body, so laugh as much and as often as you can.
Be well.